Yesterday, instead of doing the gazillion school-related things I could have done, and after doing what felt like a hundred of them and needing a break, I decided to turn on the holiday music and decorate our home for Christmas.
It's always a bittersweet pleasure to "deck the halls" (though we have nothing as large as a hall, mind you), and to hang our decorations (some of them almost crumbling from old age) from our miniature fake Christmas tree. Getting ready for the season is a mixture of joy and sadness for me, and I'm not really sure why. I don't know if it brings back memories of my childhood, when the family was all together (now so dispersed and far apart). Or whether it's because it makes me realize all that has been lost, especially in those who have left us behind, human and furry presences alike (my abuela, my father, my beloved old satos, Rusty and Geni, my old, old cat Nube).
But I remind myself of how blessed I am with (relative) health and love and challenge and reward and the ability to appreciate it all, so I give humble thanks for everything and look on the brighter side.
Once this semester ends, not a day too soon, and once I send in my draft manuscript to the press editor by year's end, the new year will awaken brand new for me in more ways than one. For the first time, there will be no impending professional goals to meet. The long-worked-for tenure review is in process, and the manuscript will have been finished and sent off for whatever may come of it. I look forward to 2013 because it will be my year to actually slow down and enjoy the feeling of not having any major professional project or endeavor looming ahead. What I felt I needed to demonstrate, in terms of my teaching, my scholarship, and my commitment to service, I have done. There is nothing else that needs to be proven to anyone else at this point.
I have been so driven for so long (in this iteration of my life it's been since entering graduate school ten years ago) that, despite the doubts my husband has expressed that I will actually know how to wind down, I'm not just anticipating but also will welcome and actively promote a change of pace.
More immediately, once December 14th arrives, if you hear, in the faraway distance, what seem to be shouts of unabridged joy, think of me. I will be celebrating the end of a challenging semester, and though I will still have to finalize my 200+-page manuscript in only two-weeks' time, I'll at least be able to do what I love doing best: being a homebody in our lovely, beloved home, now all prettily decked out for Christmas.
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