I have discovered that I love meeting deadlines. There's something exhilarating and self-affirming about getting something done by the time it must be done (especially if it's a deadline I've set for myself). I guess all those years as a journalist paid off, when an important daily deadline always loomed ahead, because I'm definitely well trained to meet them.
I've realized that meeting deadlines makes me feel good about myself. Like I can do what I set out to do. Like I have control over my life, which I know is only a momentary illusion given that life is what happens to us while we're making other plans (as John Lennon supposedly said). But I'll take the feeling, no matter.
I had set myself the deadline of submitting the finished Monster to my committee today (except for the copy my husband and I are taking to my advisor in Oregon, where he's been spending the year). It's a working vacation, since I'll have to discuss not only the Monster but also the upcoming defense, but it'll be a nice change of scenery since I've never been to Oregon (I'll bring back lots of cool pictures of moose and elk and sea lions for an upcoming photo essay!). And it'll be a nice change of pace for both of us since my husband has been on work, work, work mode and I've been on dissertating mode the entire year so far.
The good news is that after working eight or so straight hours yesterday (without a lunch or dinner break), the Monster was completely revised (as revised as it's going to get at this point, at any rate), and I was delivering it to a Kinko's at 10 p.m. last night to have it copied and bound. I'll be picking it up later this morning, and barring any unforeseen glitches, I'll be delivering it as planned to the members of my committee who are in town.
It's not that I don't want to procrastinate, or even that I don't put things off. For instance, yesterday morning I wanted to finish watching "27 Dresses," the movie I'd taken out of Blockbuster while I was there with my mami that she later decided she didn't want to see. So I did. I spent the better part of an hour watching the movie before walking the dogs, which put me about an hour behind schedule. I probably could've used that time when I was revising the Monster, but I also knew I needed some mental R&R since the dissertation has been a daily brain grind, literally, even while my mami was visiting.
Thus, I decided not to regret my decision to watch the movie (which was predictable, but cute), and the Monster got revised by 8:30 p.m. last night. Then I drove from my small college on the hill, where I'd gone to work on it in the peace and quiet of my little office, to the humongous university in the city to said Kinko's. The good thing is that since darkness doesn't fall until about 9 or so, I drove in the twilight almost up to the moment I arrived at the photocopying place (I don't like night-time driving).
The realization that I've met the larger deadline of finishing the Monster itself is slowly sinking in. The feeling that I can actually do other things today and tomorrow and every day from now until June 10, when I defend, is starting to seep all over me. And I'm starting to feel actually proud that I've culminated six years of graduate study with a Monster that's all of 358 pages long (I counted them at the Kinko's last night!), and it's not half bad, if I may say so myself.
I did bust my butt for this, and the prize is finally within reach. I do have a couple of additional deadlines to meet: an article version of the dissertation to revise by June 1, a law seminar to prepare for next week, and the trip to Oregon to pack and organize myself for. But compared to the mega deadline that I'll meet today, those are minimal. Thus, I already have "I am Legend" in store for tonight. Let the catching up with all the movies I've missed begin!
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